So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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