I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
