everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
