Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
how does that bad decision feel?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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