I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
