Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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