So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
