u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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