My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
