She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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