Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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