wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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