ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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