Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
