her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
