awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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