I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
