Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Sober January is a disaster.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
