I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
