from now on my penis is your penis
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
