Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
