Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
