Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
