So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
