This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
