I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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