well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
