Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
