His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
