Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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