The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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