My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
