You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
God, I missed his penis.
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