I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
