Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
