I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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