Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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