You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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