I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
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