Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
