I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
What changed your mind?
Being sober
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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