then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Randomize
