seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
