Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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