those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
