i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
