Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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