I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
