i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
