So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
