i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
