I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
