Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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