but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
