He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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