I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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