Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
