and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
